


BASICALLY, FATE IS A HUGE BITCH.

by red6grey12



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Aromantic John Egbert, Caliginous Romance | Kismesis, Flushed Romance | Matesprits, Karkat Swearing, M/M, Multi, Other additional characters to be added, Pranks and Practical Jokes, Soulmate-Identifying Marks
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-09-19
Updated: 2017-09-19
Packaged: 2018-12-31 17:02:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,404
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12137067
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/red6grey12/pseuds/red6grey12
Summary: (AU in which almost everyone has a name written on either wrist - one of someone they'll hate, and the other of someone they'll love. There's no way to know which is which before meeting them.)According to Karkat Vantas, fate is a huge bitch, because how else would he have wound up with some of the two most common names on his wrists?According to John, fate is irrelevant, because hate is being in a friendly rivalry and love is being best friends with someone.will be continued eventuallyAccording to Dave, fate is a wonderful case of irony, because everyone scrambling for their soulmates is a comedy of errors.====>Collide





	BASICALLY, FATE IS A HUGE BITCH.

**Author's Note:**

> Part of this was originally written for DaveKat Week Day 2: Trope/AU day, but guess who's terrible at deadlines? (Me) 
> 
> It's based off of [this awesome idea](http://chekhovsgum.tumblr.com/post/139383734894/cindymoon-im-so-tired-of-the-au-where-your) from tumblr.

Your name is Karkat Vantas, and you have "John" printed on one wrist and "Dave" scrawled on the other. You're supposed to love one and hate the other, but you already hate both of them. And yourself, for that matter.

Despite Kankri blabbering on about continuing Alternian traditions on earth as a method of preserving the culture, Crabdad hadn't let you be homeschoolfed. Instead, he'd sent you to some shitty local school and, in a series of lususly screeches, told you to calm down, don't strife, and try to immerse yourself in human culture. So here you were, 3 sweeps old, and already being thrust into the gears of the American School System. 

That was where you'd first met John, and promptly been horrified. He was an adult, balding, and honestly kind of terrifying; he'd berate children who made messes for him to clean up. In short, he was the definition of a janitormentor. Fear had stuck its icy claws into your pump biscuit; you'd thought he was supposed to be your hate-soulmate, but how the fuck were you supposed to fight him?? Or even _approach_ him, for that matter?

You'd gone hive and panicked at Kankri that night, screeching about how you'd found the one you were supposed to hate, and he was nothing like you'd imagined. He was no troll, he was more than twice your age, and, not to demean yourself, but there was no way you could strife him evenly.

Kankri had assuaged your fears by telling you about how many, many humans could share the same name. In fact, according to him, there are over five million humans named John in just the United States alone, so you had nothing to worry about.

Nothing to worry about? More like absofuckinglutely _everything_! How the fuck were you supposed to find _your_ John if you had to sort through so many others? Humans have the worst system of names. And romance. Really, trolls are just superior in every aspect. 

You'll posit this: why do humans have such disgustingly generic names? Their entire culture seems to have swapped names like some sort of contagious disease, spreading the mess around until nobody had any fucking distinguishable names anymore. Hell, you think, someone could probably start a John convention, or a Dave convention, and get thousands of attendees!

Trolls, on the other hand, had names derived from the sound their lusus or elder broodmate made when first addressing them, which basically meant that each troll had a unique name from the start. And once the troll reached Ascension, back when that was a thing on Alternia, they'd pick their own title, often with their quirk in it. Everything. Would. Still. Be. Unique.

And as for romance? Trolls took hate and made it romantic, while humans, with their spongy and perforated thinkpans, couldn't even begin to grasp the concept of romantic hatred. They either killed their hated ones or simply avoided them like romcom protagonists avoided clear communication. 

Or avoided them like a Karkat Vantas avoided human interaction. Completely. For the rest of elementary school, you became a troll recluse, immersing yourself in classes and novels and talking to nearly nobody. It was fine; to the humans, you were just the weird troll, and to the trolls, you were the weird hemoanon.

Then, on the first day of middle school, disaster fucking struck. In the form of a bucket. On your head.

The clang of the hollow metal object was still ringing in the air, fading into nothing but the drip of water from your clothes. You'd stood there for a moment, silently seething, before you'd stomped across the room and dropped your backpack on the desk you'd planned on claiming. There's not enough time for you to rush to the bathroom and dry off, not if you wanted to keep your seat. 

You were now doubly pissed off, but nothing would have come of your anger had you not heard the sound of soft snickering above your own growling. You stalk toward the full-length cabinet that the sound was coming from, then slam the door open.

Inside is the most annoying-looking human you have ever seen. He's crammed ridiculously next to several boxes and rolls of paper, his hair is a mess, his face is flushed from holding in his laughter, and he's holding a binder case with a label proclaiming it to be the property of one 'John Egbert'.

 _John_.

You stand there and glare at him until he catches his breath and looks up at you, sparkling blue meeting angry yellow. He cracks a wide, bucktoothed grin, and you want nothing more than to punch that face. You would, except that you couldn't risk getting in a fight and shedding blood.

Instead, you inhale and, for the first time in several sweeps, voluntarily communicate with another student.

"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU FLASHING YOUR IDIOTICALLY OVERSIZED TEETH FOR? HOW DARE YOU SIT THERE WITH THAT FUCKING GLIB SMILE, AFTER... YOU KNOW WHAT? THAT'S A SIGN OF AGGRESSION. I'M TAKING THOSE BARED TEETH AS A SIGN OF AGGRESSION, AND FUCK IF SETTING UP A CONCUPISCENT RECEPTACLE ATOP A DOORFRAME ISN'T ALSO AN OVERT ACT TO AGGRESS. WHAT ARE YOU, DESPERATE? TRYING TO PITCH-FLIRT WITH ANY AND EVERY BEING WHO JUST SO HAPPENS TO MOSEY THEIR CLUELESS WAY ON INTO THIS CLASSROOM?! WELL GUESS THE FUCK WHAT, YOU SHITFAIRY, YOUR UNSCRUPULOUS FUCKING MIRACLES THAT DRENCH PEOPLE AND CAUSE MISERY ARE NOTHING BUT A MONSTROUS SKIDMARK UPON THE FACE OF THIS GODDAMNED PLANET. IT'S ABSOLUTELY HUGE, AND THE ONLY THING KEEPING IT FROM PLACING FIRST IN THE TROLL GUINNESS UNIVERSE RECORDS IS YOUR FACE. BREAKING NEWS, EVERYONE: THE UNIVERSE'S TWO LARGEST SHITPILES HAVE BEEN LOCATED, AND BOTH ARE CONNECTED TO YOU!!" 

You shriek until you empty your air sacs, then take a breath and use the moment to regroup. That metaphor may have gotten a little bit away from you.

"BUT, BACK TO THE RIDICULOUS FUCKING POINT! WHAT DISTURBED, SPASTIC FORCE OF CHAOS POSSESSED YOU TO WALTZ INTO A CLASSROOM EARLY ENOUGH TO FILL THE GODDAMN BUC- _CONTAINER_ WITH WATER AND RIG IT ON TOP OF A DOORFRAME, JUST TO CATCH SOME POOR, OBLIVIOUS SADFUCK UNAWARES?! NOT ONLY DID YOU, AS A CONSEQUENCE, WASTE MY TIME, YOU'VE ALSO UTTERLY SQUANDERED YOURS. AND FOR WHAT PURPOSE?! TO DEMONSTRATE THE DESTRUCTIVE CAPABILITIES OF A DOPED-UP HUMAN WITH ZERO COMMON SENSE AND SELF-PRESERVATION SKILLS? LOOK AT THIS SCENE, WREAKED BY YOUR STUPIDITY, AND DESPAIR. YOU ABSOLUTE FUCK.

"Oh wow, dude, you're kind of overreacting. It was just a prank!"

You're just about give him another piece of your mind, bestow upon him some sorely needed intellect, when the teacher walks in, throwing a wary glance at the container and puddle of water, and then at the two of you. A student awkwardly hunched over in a cabinet, with another student, dripping wet, standing over him.

Belatedly, John extricates himself from the cabinet, and, eyeing the teacher, thrusts his hand out and says something classroom-appropriate. "Hey, I'm John. It was...hilarious meeting you."

Why on earth did he subject you to that idiocy; surely he must've known that there was no saving himself anymore? You raise your hand as if accepting his handshake, then flip him off instead. "Fuck you", you mutter, and stalk off to your desk. 

Of course, the teacher chooses that exact moment to speak up. "Language! Detention, Mr..."

"Vantas." 

He notes something down, then points at doorway on the floor. "Mr. Vantas, did you cause that potential hazard in the doorway over there?"

"I did, sir", John pipes up from the back of the room.

The teacher heaves an exasperated sigh. "And you are?"

"John Egbert."

"Well, Mr. Egbert, you have less than five minutes before class starts. I want that floor dry before then, got that? And you'll be seeing me in detention too."

"Mr. Egbert's my dad, not me", he complains as he pulls out a roll of paper towels from his backpack and goes over to clean up. What the fuck, was he simultaneously this idiotic _and_ prepared?!

"Keep going on like that and I'll be calling him. Would you like that?"

"No, sir!" 

You don't keep watching the idiocy unfold. You're soaking wet, you've just had to deal with one idiot, and you've already got detention on your first day of middle school.

_God, you hate John Egbert so fucking much._


End file.
